Question:
i've been lurking for weeks now, and it's been driving me crazy. i really
appreciate this website, but i really have to say that reading all the
different accounts has me FREAKED OUT. this is my story, i hope someone here
can direct me to somewhere that is not going to kill me.
i've had erectile failure about three times with my lover. once, when i was
inside her, i lost my hardness. another time, i was all ready to go, and just
before penetration, i lost it. one other time, i just couldn't get it hard
enough. before this and after this, i've been alright. sex has been great, and
it's been to climax for both of us.
i have, however, always been insecure about my sexual performance.
specifically: hardness of my penis. call it cultural sexualism or whatever,
but i always thought that once guys got aroused, they got HARD, and they
STAYED HARD. when i was younger, yes. but now, that is not always the case for
me. a couple of times, it's been rock hard for sex BEFORE AND AFTER climax,
other times, no.
now, i'm TERRIFIED of sex. i'm so worried about what might happen, or not
happen. i'll make excuses not to have sex. a couple of times, my lover would
go down on me, and i would go soft . . . during ORAL SEX! which i (used to)
love (when i wasn't so worried). it's really killing my relationship. my lover
says that it's a sign that i'm not ready to commit?!? we've had intercourse
ONCE in the last month.
1. sometimes i get morning erections, sometimes i don't. just a few years ago,
i remember them as VERY HARD. now they're not as hard. is something wrong with
me?
2. my lover is beautiful. i mean she is STUNNING, and this "whatever is
happening" is killing us. i want to spend the rest of my life with her, but
not like this! our relationship has ALWAYS been ROCKY and lately, all we do is
fight. she wants to fuck, but all the fighting just makes me want to walk
away. and i'll make excuses not to have sex. we fight all the time, and
nothing gets resolved. is something wrong with me?
3. this is really getting me down. i've thought of killing myself.
finally, my doctors have given me a clean bill of health. testosterone levels
are higher than normal and i just turned 28 and i don't smoke or do drugs and
i exercise regularly and eat well. i've seen a sex psychiatrist who's
suggesting that the problem might be our relationship. i'm thinking of having
myself checked out by the men's clinic as well. the checkup will cost about
$300. anyhow, what to do?!?
Answer:
if you're terrified, this itself could create the problem. I
don't want to get too technical here, but your fear can cause you
to release adrenaline... your blood vessels constrict, your blood
pressure goes up, and the constricted blood vessels in your penis
are suddenly your worst enemy.
1. sometimes i get morning erections, sometimes i don't. just a few years ago,
i remember them as VERY HARD. now they're not as hard. is something wrong with me?
Well, we're not doctors. You mentioned that you had your health
checked out, but a serious endocrinologist is going to do more
than just look at your testosterone.
2. my lover is beautiful. i mean she is STUNNING, and this "whatever is
happening" is killing us. i want to spend the rest of my life with her, but
not like this! our relationship has ALWAYS been ROCKY and lately, all we do is
fight. she wants to fuck, but all the fighting just makes me want to walk
away.
You're pulling away from her because of your fear of failure.
It's making her lash out, which is making you more afraid,
which is making her lash out some more. If you want your
relationship to survive, you need to short circuit this whole
process. This may sound really difficult, but you really need
to open up to her. I say this, because it sounds to me as if
you're doing the opposite: closing yourself off. If the
situation were reversed, wouldn't you feel hurt?
Look, I'm sorry for playing couch potato psychologist here,
but the one person in the world you should be able to count
on is the person you intend on spending the rest of your life
with, Hank. How about telling you that you love her, that
you could really use her help and support right now, and
enlist her aid in getting you through this difficult period?
3. this is really getting me down. i've thought of killing myself.
There's medical alternatives to suicide. Look, there's this
thing that happens when a guy has a "problem": he experiences
a failure "three or four times" and then he gets really scared
that it will happen again. The "being scared" part, for reasons
that I've already explained, makes matters a lot worse, and
it becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.
Then some guy like me comes along and explains this all to you,
but then you think to yourself, "yeah, well, thanks buddy, but
now that you've told me that I shouldn't be scared, I'm still
freaked out, thanks for nothing." Knowing that you should relax
and not worry yourself to death is good, but what would really
help is a few successes and a diamond hard erection. In fact,
what would really help is sure and certain knowledge that, should
you ever experience a problem again, you can always have a
diamond hard erection whenever you want.
Well there is a way you can get it. You go to a physician, and
get him to prescribe you Viagra. It is absolutely outstanding
for "anxiety based" erectile difficulty, because the knowledge
that you have it and can use it at any time is itself what
takes away the anxiety.
I also can't help but think that if you opened up a bit to
your future wife, that you'd learn how much she loves you and
experience first hand that you really don't have anything to
be scared about. That's just me, though. I could be an idiot.
